Portrait #1

I've kept my promise to myself, and I am kind of glad about that. It took me a little while, but art always does. It isn't something that can be forced, it is simply something that happens, usually at the most inconvenient time of day, when none of your tools are around.

Now... this isn't cheating, is it? I am still young enough to pull the lack-of-an-identity card, technically making this a portrait of someone that I don't know, while simultaneously knowing them all too well.

It is a self-portrait (yes, I do still wear scarves around my house). I've never actually done a portrait of myself in the current moment before, they've always been from pictures. Now um... I guess I am now going to attempt seamlessly transitioning in to the "story" portion of this post. The whole reason of why I elected this person to do a portrait of in the first place.

I had an epiphany today. It was something a long the lines of "talk moreso about the things you love, and complain less about the things you hate." It came to me while watching a Henry Rollins clip on youtube lol. He was talking about go-to conversation topics that he tries to avoid on dates, things such as your top 5 bands, or top 5 foreign films. It got me thinking, that I don't ever really discuss those kinds of things that I love, with people that I would like to befriend normally. What do I talk about? It's all surface stuff. "Hey. How are you? Good? Me too." Blech. There is depth here somewhere though, hidden within my silence. And it hadn't ever occurred to me before, that I could delve in to that.

My favorite band/artist? Shiina Ringo/Tokyo Jihen (who is disbanding at the end of February, by the way :( ).

I never tell anyone that. You wanna know why? Because it is something so precious to me. This is, albeit a small bit of, my happiness. And, I dunno, for me, it's like whenever I have something that I hold with that high level of regard, I want to protect it always. So I don't share it's beauty with anyone. I guess I'm afraid of how these treasures will be received. If my love for Shiina were to be met with a scoff, I would probably be raging on the inside hahahaha, and that's never good.

But I should share this with more people. (This might start to sound really corny) but her music to me, is something that reaches out and grabs my heart. It reminds me that I'm alive, and it makes me feel like my soul isn't alone. Yep. It goes that deep.

But that's the beauty of art, isn't it? It's ability to connect people, who otherwise would never have a reason to interact, and get them all on the same playing field as equals, who simply want an escape, even if it's only for the smallest bit. I had forgotten about the power art held in recent years, and looked for my fulfillment elsewhere, when it's been buried in the back of my closet all along.

It's the reason why I pursued an Art Degree first, even though I knew there was little money to be had in it. Because money was not the important thing, the human connection was.

Cool Story Bro-time: When I was in High School, I did theater as well, because I was curious about all of the arts and wanted to try a bit of everything. I got a part in the musical, "Fiddler on the Roof." After our last show, a woman that I had never met before came up to me, and told me thank you. "You did a great job, this was the highlight of my day. Thank you." I might tear up, dude hahaha.

But that power to connect me with people I've never met before, that's amazing. And I want to get back in touch with that. We're not alone, we just need a medium within which to connect to each other. So, um, yes. Art is my happiness.

Aaaaand I'll include a comparison shot, to kind of juxtapose with the portrait if you will. I think I've drawn my nose a bit differently than reality, but whatcha gonna do?

Someone new next time, I promise. Legitimately new, and non-self-indulgent.

My word, actually is worth it's weight in Gold.

So, er, I decided to open this for myself, to document something that maybe I didn't want the eyes of friends to see just yet.

I'm starting my Russell Brand-esque project! I'm always thinking, thinking, thinking. And all I could think about lately, is what does happiness mean to me? I'm pretty sure Russell did something akin to this anyway, wrote about having people meet him in New York(?) with items that brought them happiness, and he tried to better understand just what happiness is for various people, from what I can recall anyway.

So that's pretty much what this is going to be documenting. I've noticed lately that I don't have anything that really motivates or excites me, and I'm wondering where and when I've lost what makes me, well, me.

My "happiness" nowadays is so intertwined with booze, boys, and money. It wasn't like this before. So, I am going to get back to what I once really loved, and was fascinated by: Art. Paintings, Drawings, Ceramics and Digital Art. (Maybe Photography too, but I could never really get into that personally lol. I mean, when it's good, it's good though.)

And, um, I feel like I'm rambling a lot lol. So if this is all over the placeish, I apologize. My goal is to get better (or back) in touch with art by drawing portraits of various things around me. I want to do 10 portraits of people from my hometown, people that I'm not already friends with. I want to learn their stories, ask them what happiness means to them and try and capture them as best as I can with my Conté crayons and paper, which I haven't picked up in at least 3 years (so they'll probably be super shabby). I also want to draw landscapes of various places around my hometown.

And maybe, just maybe, I can feel alive on my own again. I'll try my best to keep this up as much as I can, between work and school.

See you soon. Promise.